3 Ways To Get Closure From Your Affair Partner

The Truth About Closure

Why Is Closure Something We Search For The Most But Can't Seem To Find It?

Getting closure from an affair partner is not what most people think it is, at least for me it wasn't. During my time of recovery I arrived at a place where I felt like all I needed to do to finally close the door on this part of my life was to talk to my affair partner. I believed he held the answers I had been searching for.

As time went on and the affair fog began to lift I started to question our relationship. For instance, did he really love me, were the things he told me true or was our time together just another game to him? These questions caused me to feel like I needed the answers to move on.

Often times we are lead to believe "closure" is this peace we will receive if we find the answers to what is causing our inner turmoil. And usually, we believe our affair partner holds these answers.

We are told to seek closure in order to heal. So therefore if we can't find it we won't be able to completely achieve healing. So this thought sent me on a wild goose chase looking for something I learned I had the whole time.

Furthermore, we keep seeking the feeling that the affair has been resolved. The problem with that is where infidelity Is concerned we never really learn the "truth" to those nagging questions.

Maybe closure is not something we receive, maybe its something we already have.

The dictionary defines closure as the act of closing something. This implies we have the ability to move on without being assisted by another person. We need to understand that we have the power to get the closure we need but I believed we are confused about what closure really is.

What closure is not

First I want to share with you what I believe closure is not.

Closure is not- A satisfying ending to a bad breakup. If we are honest breaking up with your affair partner may never be satisfying. We go back and forth many times before we finally end it and usually, one or both parties are left with unanswered questions. Oftentimes someone is ghosted and the other is left standing to face an ending without answers. So, in my opinion, I'm not sure you can ever get a satisfying ending in infidelity.

Second-I have been told you won't be able to get closure without talking to him and finally getting some answers.

I had to realize that when my affair ended that was my closure.

By telling myself I still needed answers, that caused me to believe he had something I needed to hear that would bring about my satisfying ending. However, I was just deceiving myself by thinking this way. When I began to see the reality of the relationship I didn't want to believe it. I felt like if he told me that he really did love me and missed me then at least I wasn't believing a lie. The lie of thinking I could have a real lasting relationship with a married man. And I was not a fool for falling in love with him.

What Closure really is

Now lets talk about what I learned about closure and some tips that I believe will help you as well.

1. Don't look to him for closure- He won't be able to satisfy that need you have. He may and most likely tell you what you want to hear. And the thing about this is at least for me I wanted to believe so badly that he really did love me I would have believed anything he said, even though deep down I knew it may all be a lie. And once my addicted brain would return to normal again I would still be left asking the same questions.

Solution-Understand who your affair partner is and what he was doing with you. Take off the rose-colored glasses for a moment. He is a man looking to you for what he wants his WIFE to give him. And if he chooses to stay with her than that speaks volumes to me. And nothing he will "say" will change that truth. Also, recognize a single conversation with him will not bring about the peace you are searching for. I'm sorry for being harsh but we need to hear this truth.

2. Acceptance- You cant reach the peace you are craving if you are still searching for answers. Seeking answers means we are still actively pursuing the truth about the relationship. When we come to a place of acceptance it means we have decided to believe the truth being presented. We decide to believe the affair was valuable to us but now it is over. We can tell ourselves that what we shared was real at the time for me and I will be ok with not analyzing every memory and trying to and find the real "truth".

I had to learn that nothing is written in stone when it comes to the world of Affairytale. He could be here one moment confessing his love and gone in the next. For my affair, we were planning divorce one week and I walked away the next. We share a moment in time then time changed and it's gone. I finally accepted the fact that I may never really know how he truly felt about me but what I do know is I'm ok with that.

3. Answer the question- You know those tormenting questions that cause our lingering pain. I took some time to search within myself and found an answer that would bring me peace. So by doing this, I ended the repetitive thinking. And for many of us the questions will be the same, was it real, did he love me, was he really going to leave her for me, did he really believe we were soul mates destined to be together just met at the wrong time? But we will also have different questions about our relationship so I encourage you to find those questions that keep causing you the most pain and answer them.

I took advantage of the fact that our thoughts create our emotions so when I found an answer my brained believed I felt peace. If you are curious about my answers I can tell you the question that upset me the most was did he really love me? I came to the conclusion that I believed he loved me the way he knew how to love anyone. Was I different? Of course, we are all different in our own unique way. But was I enough to change his behavior? No, I wasn't. And I'm ok with that.

4. Get rid of the reminders- It's so important to get rid of all of the gifts, pics and anything that might remind you of your affair partner or y'all time together.

5. Don't search for him on social media- If you are trying to heal its best not to keep his picture or his life in front of you.

6. Replace thoughts of him- When a thought of your affair partner pops in your head replace it with something else you enjoy, or what I did was my husband and bible verse that would give me hope this season in my life would pass if I would just keep my eyes on Jesus.

7. Become active- Don't sit and allow your mind to wander free because during recovery it will want to drag you back into the memories which will keep you in the pain of missing him. By focusing your attention on something else this will give your mind time to heal., and redirect your energy. An idle mind is the devil's playground.

8. Find accountability- Its important to have someone who will keep you accountable and on track when you are trying to move forward. My private Facebook group is awesome for this step, Women with Scars Affair Recovery. I also can offer you personal 1:1 accountability, sign up today for a free 30-minute discovery call.

In Closing

In closing, I want to say I understand how when an affair ends abruptly it can feel like you are lost and rejected. Suddenly the man who made you feel alive and the happiest you have ever been is now gone. And you are left to wonder where do I go to find my happiness and meaning?

For me, I am a woman of faith so instead of looking to my affair partner for fulfillment I knew I had to go back to the Lord. Only in Christ would I ever truly find healing and to finally put my past to rest.

I learned that my identity and happiness was not found in a person or a choice but was in who Jesus had made me to be. I found my purpose in life. By receiving a second chance and I was going to dream again.

May I encourage you today to choose to dream again, reach for a better tomorrow. Allow this storm to transform you and propel you into your purpose. I believe that by taking the search for closure out of our thoughts and replacing them with a new dream that is when we will truly find the closure our hearts so desperately need.

It's ok if you are not ready to truly believe that the door is closed. Maybe by searching for answers, you are keeping a crack in a door you are not ready to shut. If so be patient with yourself. You will come to accept how things are in your own time as your emotions can handle it. Also if you find yourself stuck in trying to get closure you may want to read my post about how to break a soul tie.

Questions to Ponder

1. What is it you are really searching for from your affair partner?

2. Will it help if you get it?

3. Will you really believe your affair partners answers?

4. Or do you just want to believe him?

Please feel free to comment or ask me any questions you may have. Let me know if you are still searching or closure or you have found it.