The Truth About Why I Had An Affair

The truth behind the excuses and reasons I had an affair

Let me first start by saying I do not speak for every woman who had an affair. I can only be honest with you from my experience.  Anyone who has been touched by infidelity can relate that people give a ton of reason for having an affair. For example, it could be something like: "It just happened" or "I couldn't help myself" and my favorite "I was lonely", which by the way is the one I used the most. But the truth is I was feeling very lonely and rejected by my husband at the time.

First I want to share with you my perspective from the time right before the affair began. I was on my second marriage since my first husband thought we could see other people while we were married. I know, I know what you are thinking, wait your first husband cheated on you, don't you have any sympathy? But just go with me for a moment. Anyways in my first marriage, I felt like I wasn't enough and I was always lonely. So when I remarried I just knew that my new guy would never make me feel like I wasn't enough nor would I ever feel lonely.

Well 10 years and two kids later here I was feeling lonely and rejected. I tried to get my husband attention many times, but nothing worked he was stuck in his own world. So here comes a guy who knew what it felt like to live in a lonely marriage. We hit it off right away and he made me feel wanted and needed. We became friends and one thing lead to another even though we tried to remain just friends. By the way, trying to be " just friends" never works.

Now when the affair was discovered this is where my blame-shifting came into play. I told my husband that if he would have paid more attention to me I would have never had an affair. And it was his fault for rejecting me for so long. Did he really think I would stay in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life? I also tried to blame my affair partner. I told my husband that he had a way with words and I fell for his charms. I was helpless to resist him after all my husband had left me open to another man.  Have you heard this before? Perhaps you have said these things before?

At the time this sounded like a very good reason, after all, it was how I was feeling. I really felt that if my husband would have paid more attention to me I wouldn't have even looked at my affair partner.  I stood behind my reasons for having an affair for a long time. Until one day I looked in the mirror and I didn't like the woman looking back at me. I didn't like who she had become and what I had allowed myself to do. that is when I asked the Lord to change me, and after that, I begin to partner with Jesus on changing this person I had become.

What I learned and my truth

I learned that it doesn't matter how neglectful my husband was or how charming my affair partner was, what mattered was how I choose to respond to them. My response was my responsibility, not their's. I made the decision to answer the text, meet after work and eventually have sex. No one forced me to say yes to these things and my husband's neglect didn't force me to have an affair. Now, this may not be new to you but it is new to me. I blamed everybody but the one who held the power of choice in her hands.

Once I took responsibility for my actions and stop blaming other people. I was able to look deeper into myself and ask some hard questions. For instance, why did I think it was ok to have an affair? Why did I throw all of my values out the window.? And why in the world did I think it was ok to hurt another woman?

Had I realized what I was doing maybe I would have responded to my husband's neglect differently.  I learned pain can cloud our judgment. It can cause us to think our actions are justifiable and they are based on our circumstances. But in reality, the driving force behind infidelity is shelfishness. It's that voice that says "what about me'? It's all about me, you are not giving ME what I need. My selfishness even blinded me to the red flags my affair partner displayed. I willingly closed my eyes to them because I didnt care he had multiple affairs as long as he was feeding me what I needed.

I dont say this to condemn anyone. I know how you feel. I know your pain is very real and I do believe that the issues in your marriage need to be addressed. But what I want to do is encourage you to look beyound the pain and momentary satisfaction and learn how to respond to negative circumstances in a healthy way. And infidelity is not a healthy way to care for ourselves. Because in the end infidelity hurts and destroys lives so don't let the life it destroys be yours. Take responsibility and make the right choice.

Now you may be wondering if I was going to answer the question as to why I slept with another woman's husband? Well now when someone asks me why I had an affair I dont give a list of how how bad my marriage was or how loney I was, I simply say "because I choose to".